A decade later...

It has been almost a full decade since I last wrote anything here.

    Whose fault is it I wondered. Doesn't have to be anyone's fault. It is not a bad thing. Even though as I am typing these words, I realize I have missed it. It used to be part of myself. A part that laid dormant for almost a decade. 

    So, whose fault is it? My fault of course. I can make up countless excuses and reasons but ultimately it is my fault. I have always taken responsibility for my mistakes. I have always owned up to my wrongdoings. Because I have always made my own decisions. No one has forced me to do anything. I control my fate remember?

    Interesting fact. I recently realized that the reason I do not like the word “Fate” is because in my head it is connected to a bad thing. It has an ominous meaning. Meanwhile the word “Destiny”, in my head again, has a positive aspect to it.

When you achieve something grand, it is your destiny.

When you give up, you accept your fate.

    I am going through turbulent times. Many changes have happened lately. And even more lie ahead.

Am I scared? No.

Am I anxious? No.

Am I hopeful? Always.

Am I sad? Not exactly.

    It is not the profound deep sadness one feels when they lose a loved one. This feels more like an underlying melancholy. An ode to the part of my life that now lies in the past.

    So many changes. Humans are afraid of change. I personally can’t understand that. Change is always painless. Fast. All it takes to change anything is one moment.

One decision.

One move.

One thought.

One word. Just like that, things change. The difficult part is adapting to that change. And that comes with steps. Just like Alcoholics Anonymous.

    First step is to accept that said change has occurred. Always. You need to realize that the past is just that. And it will not come back. Once you come to terms with that fact you can move onto the second step. Getting used to the change.

    Second step is to start getting used to the change. Identify that which is different in your life. Not all changes are bad. Even if they appear to be so in the beginning. Blame out primal instincts. Humans are programmed to fear the unknown. And here you are dwelling in uncharted paths. Brave.

    Once you identify the new status quo, you can make the decision to create a new routine for yourself.

    You have the freedom to alter aspects of your life that you haven’t had a chance to before. Will you be bold and take more steps ahead? Or play it safe and try to keep as many things the same as possible? Should you? You are walking the road anyway right? Why not take a couple more turns? Maybe it is time to pick up that hobby you abandoned years ago. Or find a new one! The possibilities are endless.

The only limit is you.

    Your mind. Keep working on it. It is your greatest weapon. It has potential that you haven’t unlocked yet. Even a small step forward is good. Every journey starts with but a single step. You have already taken yours. You know how to walk. One foot in front of the other. You will find your balance. Slowly but steadily. If you get scared, if you get overwhelmed, just stop. Pause and gather your thoughts. Your strength.

Reach out.

    That is what everyone does when out of balance. It is only natural. If you feel alone you are not. Believe me. Been there, done that, learned it the hard way. Your soulmate is out there. Maybe you haven’t found them yet, but you are already connected. An invisible string connects you. It can get tangled but it cannot break. If you are lucky you will find them. But it is your destiny. In this life or a next. You will find them.

I will search for you through 1,000 worlds and 10,000 lifetimes until I find you.

And I will wait for you in all of them.

    But if you haven’t found them yet, reach out to nature. All around you. So much beauty. So much peace. Everything has a purpose. Just like you do. Feel the wind on your face. Smell the flowers. Hear the trees talking to each other. Touch the grass. Feel the energy that surrounds you. Mother nature heals everything. It can provide serenity. Connect with nature and you will find your purpose.

You are a child of the universe.

You are stardust.

    Every molecule in your body was created in the heart of a star and burst into existence unleashing unfathomable amounts of energy. It still surrounds us. Close your eyes and feel it. The vibrations. The waves.

    Throughout my life I have been trying to control the chaos that is my thoughts. I now realize that one of the few times I have not been doing that, is when I write here. I let them flow out as they come (and as fast as I can type them). So many thoughts. It is liberating. My mind has always been connecting dots. Even when I did not know it, it has been working in the background. Subconsciously. Constantly analyzing data and finding, creating dots, and trying to connect them. I can feel it creating new ones. New dots. New solutions to problems I did not know I was thinking about. Problems I did not know I had. An endless river of thoughts.

    Perhaps it is the curse of my intelligence. Or perhaps I am awake. It took many years but I feel I am awake. I now know what I need to do. All that is left is to do it. One step at a time. But do it. Set off on my journey. I am waiting out there. I have to go and find me. Maybe my quest will lead me to my soulmate. Maybe not. Maybe it already has. That remains to be seen. One thing is for sure.

If you think you found them, do everything in your power to hold on to them.

    There is no room for selfishness, ego, stubbornness. Give to them all you have. Open your heart to them. Let them into your mind. Your true soulmate will not be scared. They will not be intimidated. They will not take a step back. They will take a step forward. For they too have been searching for you. They too will let you into their hearts. Into their minds. And your souls will be complete. Two journeys will merge into one. It will be a feeling far beyond love. I have no words to describe it. For I have not felt it yet. But I will.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust, swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.”

    The time is 2.25am now. I have been writing for almost 2 hours. It seems I needed to do this. My soul longed to let my thoughts loose. Let them roam wild and free and spill out on here. Not for anyone else to read. I never cared if someone reads my confessions. Because they are just that. Confessions from myself to me. Maybe I am writing to let my past self know. Or maybe to let my soulmate know. Or maybe for the universe to know.

I am not sad. 

I am tuned into the strings of my mind. 

I am ready.

Song of the day