Illusions

 Here again. I’m on a roll it seems.

I am on a quest. A search for what I am missing. I know that people of my intelligence are doomed to be depressed. We experience the world from a different perspective. We can read between the lines of everyday events. We do not possess the bliss that most of you do.

Ignorance is bliss.

Knowledge is sorrow.

I am not depressed. I realise that. I just feel sad. A deep sadness that I cannot explain. I am sad about the world around me. I am sad about the people around me. I am sad because I am trapped. Yet I live in a society that has shackles on me.

This is my quest.  Break free of those shackles. I know and accept that this means a life of solitude. Few would dare follow me on such a path. Even fewer would stay beside me when the path turns rough. When they would have to give up worldly delights in order to conquer the path less travelled.

How could they? I cannot expect any simple person to be able to comprehend the complexity of my thoughts. The multidimensions that my mind works in. Constantly seeking a way to make my dream come true. Yet I do not know what this dream is.

Therefore, I have to keep existing in this sad world until I can develop myself enough to be able to recognise that dream. That ultimate goal.

All good things come to those who wait. But I have waited enough. I seem to excel in waiting. In patience. In endurance. In managing my pain. My soul has emerged from everything and still perseveres. With more resolve than ever. Yet my heart seeks something else at the same time.

I am conflict.

There is a war raging inside me. My mind. My heart. My soul. The three fundamental parts of my being, seek three different things. My every day is a struggle to balance them out. A balance of patience, strength, resources and time.

Time.

Never ask someone to make time for you. 

If they are worthy of your time, they will offer you theirs.

This is a profound realisation. A deep truth that everyone should live by. How better our world would be. Time is the one commodity that we cannot replenish. And it is such a valuable one. We pay for each moment of our lives in time. And time we never get back. Maybe in another lifetime. In another universe. In another dimension. But here, now is gone. We are constantly living in the past. Looking to the future. There is no present. As we realise the moment we live, it is already gone. It is the past. The next moment is the future. We are in limbo between past and future. Never here. Never present.

How can we hope to find one another when there is no present? How can we live the moment when it does not even exist? We know that it will exist in the future. We know that it existed in the past. But it slips from our grasp in the present. This construct of mankind. Those who are ignorant of this fact, are blissful. For they never try to reach what they cannot. The few of us that understand this however, are forever trapped.

I have decided to turn away from others. I will stop seeking any connection. There is no point after all. Why doom someone else to share my sorrowful destiny? Instead I will turn inwards. I will seek the truth within me. Try to decode the dragon inside. The dragon will hold the secret.

My liberation.

The dragon will shatter the shackles.

The dragon will dissolve the illusions.

I am the dragon.

The song of the day

Visions

Visions.

Visions of the past. - Memories.

Visions of the future. - Foresight.

Haunting images we barely remember.

Images that change our lives.

Fleeting glimpses of a life that was. Or a life that can be.

Do we pursue them?

Do we shrug them off?

Do we deny their existence?

Have you ever had a vision that you later experienced?

A déjà vu. You feel like living a memory. A strange familiarity with the moment.

An acknowledgement of a vision you possibly did not now you had.

It is a rare thing. But so beautiful to experience.

I choose to embrace my visions. To pursue them.

I actively seek out to make them my reality.

But what of the visions of past?

So far in space. So far in time. Unknown images.

Things you have never seen. Creatures you have never imagined.

Yet they are imprinted in your mind. Or in your soul?

How can I explain the things I have seen with the eyes of my soul?

How can I put them to words when the words to describe them do not exist?

Should I even bother trying? Or perhaps let them live in my head, my heart, my soul.

Where they belong.

No one will ever understand them.

They are mine.

No one except the one. 10.000 lives…

A being made of pure blinding light. No shape or form, yet so familiar and void of fear.

A strange aura surrounds it. Like a force field. Transparent yet visible. Maybe a sense that we do not possess?

It is not of this earth. Yet it knows me. And I know it. I reach out and feel the energy.

A pulse of life.

I feel at peace.

I am home.

But where is this home I see?

When is this home I see?

Is this the reason I never fit in?

It this the reason I feel completely alone in this life?

Is this the reason I feel the urge to escape?

Without knowing what I want to escape to.

Nothing fills the void I feel.

No feeling, no possession, no dream.

I can achieve anything I set my mind to.

Yet this has eluded me.

I feel like a tortured soul, eternally wandering the universe without purpose, with no destination, without a point of origin to return to.

Eternally doomed to wander.

Help me find my purpose.

Does the being of light know my purpose?

Was I looking in a mirror?

Am I the being of light?

Was I the being of light?

Light is love someone told me recently.

Is that why I feel so dark inside?

No one has ever loved me. The real me.

No one has ever seen the real me.

Am I the absence of light?

What am I?

When am I?

La canción del día

A decade later...

It has been almost a full decade since I last wrote anything here.

    Whose fault is it I wondered. Doesn't have to be anyone's fault. It is not a bad thing. Even though as I am typing these words, I realize I have missed it. It used to be part of myself. A part that laid dormant for almost a decade. 

    So, whose fault is it? My fault of course. I can make up countless excuses and reasons but ultimately it is my fault. I have always taken responsibility for my mistakes. I have always owned up to my wrongdoings. Because I have always made my own decisions. No one has forced me to do anything. I control my fate remember?

    Interesting fact. I recently realized that the reason I do not like the word “Fate” is because in my head it is connected to a bad thing. It has an ominous meaning. Meanwhile the word “Destiny”, in my head again, has a positive aspect to it.

When you achieve something grand, it is your destiny.

When you give up, you accept your fate.

    I am going through turbulent times. Many changes have happened lately. And even more lie ahead.

Am I scared? No.

Am I anxious? No.

Am I hopeful? Always.

Am I sad? Not exactly.

    It is not the profound deep sadness one feels when they lose a loved one. This feels more like an underlying melancholy. An ode to the part of my life that now lies in the past.

    So many changes. Humans are afraid of change. I personally can’t understand that. Change is always painless. Fast. All it takes to change anything is one moment.

One decision.

One move.

One thought.

One word. Just like that, things change. The difficult part is adapting to that change. And that comes with steps. Just like Alcoholics Anonymous.

    First step is to accept that said change has occurred. Always. You need to realize that the past is just that. And it will not come back. Once you come to terms with that fact you can move onto the second step. Getting used to the change.

    Second step is to start getting used to the change. Identify that which is different in your life. Not all changes are bad. Even if they appear to be so in the beginning. Blame out primal instincts. Humans are programmed to fear the unknown. And here you are dwelling in uncharted paths. Brave.

    Once you identify the new status quo, you can make the decision to create a new routine for yourself.

    You have the freedom to alter aspects of your life that you haven’t had a chance to before. Will you be bold and take more steps ahead? Or play it safe and try to keep as many things the same as possible? Should you? You are walking the road anyway right? Why not take a couple more turns? Maybe it is time to pick up that hobby you abandoned years ago. Or find a new one! The possibilities are endless.

The only limit is you.

    Your mind. Keep working on it. It is your greatest weapon. It has potential that you haven’t unlocked yet. Even a small step forward is good. Every journey starts with but a single step. You have already taken yours. You know how to walk. One foot in front of the other. You will find your balance. Slowly but steadily. If you get scared, if you get overwhelmed, just stop. Pause and gather your thoughts. Your strength.

Reach out.

    That is what everyone does when out of balance. It is only natural. If you feel alone you are not. Believe me. Been there, done that, learned it the hard way. Your soulmate is out there. Maybe you haven’t found them yet, but you are already connected. An invisible string connects you. It can get tangled but it cannot break. If you are lucky you will find them. But it is your destiny. In this life or a next. You will find them.

I will search for you through 1,000 worlds and 10,000 lifetimes until I find you.

And I will wait for you in all of them.

    But if you haven’t found them yet, reach out to nature. All around you. So much beauty. So much peace. Everything has a purpose. Just like you do. Feel the wind on your face. Smell the flowers. Hear the trees talking to each other. Touch the grass. Feel the energy that surrounds you. Mother nature heals everything. It can provide serenity. Connect with nature and you will find your purpose.

You are a child of the universe.

You are stardust.

    Every molecule in your body was created in the heart of a star and burst into existence unleashing unfathomable amounts of energy. It still surrounds us. Close your eyes and feel it. The vibrations. The waves.

    Throughout my life I have been trying to control the chaos that is my thoughts. I now realize that one of the few times I have not been doing that, is when I write here. I let them flow out as they come (and as fast as I can type them). So many thoughts. It is liberating. My mind has always been connecting dots. Even when I did not know it, it has been working in the background. Subconsciously. Constantly analyzing data and finding, creating dots, and trying to connect them. I can feel it creating new ones. New dots. New solutions to problems I did not know I was thinking about. Problems I did not know I had. An endless river of thoughts.

    Perhaps it is the curse of my intelligence. Or perhaps I am awake. It took many years but I feel I am awake. I now know what I need to do. All that is left is to do it. One step at a time. But do it. Set off on my journey. I am waiting out there. I have to go and find me. Maybe my quest will lead me to my soulmate. Maybe not. Maybe it already has. That remains to be seen. One thing is for sure.

If you think you found them, do everything in your power to hold on to them.

    There is no room for selfishness, ego, stubbornness. Give to them all you have. Open your heart to them. Let them into your mind. Your true soulmate will not be scared. They will not be intimidated. They will not take a step back. They will take a step forward. For they too have been searching for you. They too will let you into their hearts. Into their minds. And your souls will be complete. Two journeys will merge into one. It will be a feeling far beyond love. I have no words to describe it. For I have not felt it yet. But I will.

“We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust, swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.”

    The time is 2.25am now. I have been writing for almost 2 hours. It seems I needed to do this. My soul longed to let my thoughts loose. Let them roam wild and free and spill out on here. Not for anyone else to read. I never cared if someone reads my confessions. Because they are just that. Confessions from myself to me. Maybe I am writing to let my past self know. Or maybe to let my soulmate know. Or maybe for the universe to know.

I am not sad. 

I am tuned into the strings of my mind. 

I am ready.

Song of the day